Navigating Deep Disappointment

When I decided to begin writing again and reopened my blog, I was shocked at how long it had been since my last post. When I reflected on the last six years, I knew the gap reflected two very intense seasons of disappointment that had broken something inside of me and left me unwilling to share my heart.

The first was a political candidate who openly treated women as objects and made light of sexual assault. The rise of Donald Trump wasn’t what hurt, politics are full of people with his values so that was nothing new. What hurt was the unwavering support of Christians who claimed in spite of his misogynistic statements and behavior that mocked marginalized individuals, that he was God’s chosen one. 

The second was Covid. I absolutely believe in freedoms and choice so was not surprised at the strong opinions on both sides of the issue. I think navigating something as huge as the pandemic puts people in a place where they have big feelings and I have learned from my grandchildren that big feelings have a tendency to spill over and sometimes make a mess, that is to be expected.  What hurt me was the arrogance of Christians who claimed they knew what God thought about all of it. Who sat and preached from a place of haughtiness, absolutely sure in their superiority that they had the inside track. 

As a woman who loves God and actively seeks to live a life that reflects Him, I was broken by the attitudes of people I have called brothers and sisters for 46 years. It took me some time to process this death of what I believed to be true, that Christians are vessels of God and because of what He has done for them they seek to be known by their love. I grieved the loss deeply and in the years that followed I found myself very confused about calling myself a Christian because of the tension of knowing Christ’s love and how it had changed me and yet also because of that label and being lumped in with people who were not known by their love but by their judgement. It took time for me to find my center again.

I know that love is the greatest gift of all, and I want to live a life that is known by the love that I share. Any good things in my life, at their base, come from love. Any growth I have had in my life, at its center, was started because of love. For me there is nothing greater than love, and I believe love at its simplest term is the act of placing value on a person simply because they are a human being. 

I know that I see through the glass dimly. In the past I have spoken loudly about things I didn’t know everything about and have had to eat my words which tasted bitter with regret. Things I once knew for certain, I have since found out I was wrong so I have taken notes. I am less interested in being so sure of God’s opinion because I am more sure of His heart. Being open to others and seeking to learn humility is something I want to rest in. 

I found a place I can worship, where I can be my authentic self and grow in my faith. I can be honest about how I love everyone and want them to be safe and feel loved. I can raise my hands and worship a God I trust but will never fully know in this lifetime. I can sit with others who are also on this journey and learn from them.

I found after navigating deep disappointment I was stronger and more confident in what I believed than before, so like many difficult times in my life I found I was a better person because of it. I am more at peace than ever with living in a space of grace, knowing He loves people. I am also more aware of who I let speak into my life. Are they  people who are in the arena with me doing their best in seeking to learn how to love or are they sitting as cynical spectators finding perverse pleasure in throwing poison filled words not caring about the damage they inflict.

And so I sit at my keyboard once again and share my heart…