The Secret Garden

There is a secret garden in my life.

This garden is different than the garden I share with family and friends, this garden is one only I can visit. When I became a Christian 38 years ago what drew me to Christ was the truth that He loves me unconditionally. It felt unbelievable to me that in my broken state, He could love me so much. Over the years I think that statement of love has changed so now I think He loves me BUT…He would love me more if I was a better person, He would love me more if I didn’t make mistakes…

That change in how I view God’s love became evident in the time I spend with Him. Years ago I would go into this secret garden with Him and talk with Him, about my joys and about my struggles. Time with Him was about opening up my heart and letting Him know me and me getting to know Him. Recently I noticed that when I went to this garden it wasn’t full of things I love or things that bring me joy or even a place of peace. I began to see that this garden is full of things that reflect my relationship with Him. 

Sometimes when I walk into the garden it is full of cobwebs and seeing them makes me feel shame, what kind of Christian am I if I let this garden sit empty. I sit in silence and regret. There are times where it is full of clocks and calendars; my time with Him is a check of list…pray for the kids-check, pray for protection-check. My prayers are stilted as I try to make sure I’m not forgetting something important that could bring about His anger. Other times the garden is full of contracts, “If I do this God, then you will do that”- like I am bargaining with Him for answers to prayers.  

But the worst is when it is just black, full of shame, fear, and guilt. At those times I go into the garden and pretend, I put on a false self and be who I think He wants me to be, I try to sound holy, I tell Him what I think He wants to hear. I see discomfort in this garden as a badge of honor, a sacrifice that proves I am sincere. I somehow believe that if I just get this right I will arrive and yet when I leave this garden I feel weaker, and more full of shame.

Recently I spent time with my two year old grandson. He is so full of adventure, busy and wants us to share those adventures with him. He will grab my hand and say come GiGi and show me his toys, or how when the light in his room is off he pretends to be scared. He is full of connection with those around him because he knows he is loved and he wants to share who he really is with us. I find joy in seeing life through his eyes.

When I think of what makes me a Christian, the sacrifice of Jesus on that cross I am also drawn to what happened when He died. There was a mighty earthquake and the curtain at the temple was torn. It was torn from the top to the bottom. And Jesus said it is done. To me that curtain represents God’s desire to have relationship with me, no longer only a priest who had to be purified, no longer bound by animal sacrifices…but a statement of relationship…I want to know you intimately. 

So I have done a makeover on my secret garden with God and the time I spend with Him. I want to engage with Him, live wholeheartedly. I want to share with Him my authentic self. Now I see the garden is a place of rest, it is a place I can be honest because I know I am loved…I am His beloved. I can be vulnerable and tell Him how I feel, -“I’m sad because this person hurt me, I’m weak and instead of turning to things that bring me strength I turn to things to fill a void…this is who I am”, I bring truth into the garden. God also has brought things in. On a shelf there is a jar where He keeps all my tears, tears of joy and tears of grief, and a chair where He sits and I can curl up and rest. He brings in peace as I let go of uncertainty and lean into trust. I don’t see this as a place where I need to put on anything, it is a place of raw authenticity and when I leave I feel stronger, fuller of love and freer in who I am.  

This garden requires me to have courage, compassion and connection. Courage to speak honestly and openly of who I am, to risk being vulnerable and disappointed. Compassion for myself, I know my humanity and I know God doesn’t just give me sympathy but empathy. When I am hurting, He doesn’t say I’m sorry you’re going through pain, but He crawls down into the hole with me and sits in my suffering, He knows my pain better than anyone else. Connection with Him, to know Him more fully and for Him to know me through my eyes is now the desire I have when I spend time alone with Him.

I have heard people say it is silly to hide things from God because He knows everything about us already. There is truth in that statement but it also makes me think of Him sitting there a bit bored because He already knows everything about me and what I am going to say and do. Instead I think it is like my time with my grandson, I know what he is going to share because two year olds do a lot of the same things over and over. I’m not bored when we do this little piggy for the twentieth time that day, I want to know him and see life through his eyes. It is a gift.

That is how God is, seeing us experience life, and choosing to connect and share it with Him is not boring to Him, it is at the very heart of relationships, and He created us intentionally for that. When I enter this garden, I want to remember I pass through a very costly curtain that was torn from the top to the bottom because God wanted intimacy with me and in this secret garden, I can be my most authentic self, full of both joy and sadness, faith and doubt.

My hope is that as I draw closer to God and trust in His unconditional love for me, I will grow in being more authentic so when I hear Him calling… “Come, be with Me” I will bring the real me to the garden. Then I can echo the psalmist who said, “But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever.”