Waves
It feels like when you go out deep in the ocean and a huge wave rolls over you and churns you around and around. I had suspected one of my four daughters, Allena, was attracted to girls when she was younger but when we sat across from her on the couch and theory became fact, I felt tossed in the waves. Part of me wanted to let go and let the water roll me under but thoughts of my daughter and the attacks she would come under made me kick to the top and breathe.
The next few years we stumbled, talked, cried and loved but mostly we kept our focus on the goal of having an honest relationship as a family. A few years passed and our new normal included having a lesbian daughter, but it still was something few outside of family and close friends were aware of. When Allena proposed to her girlfriend it was no longer a few people and with social media being involved literally thousands now “knew”.
A second huge wave rolled over me and again the thoughts ranged from letting go to leaving but finally my thoughts settled on my daughter and her sisters and the need they had for support. The wedding was in our backyard and my husband walked our daughter down the aisle. Her wife’s family chose not to attend so I walked the woman who would now become my fifth daughter down to Allena. Again we settled into a new normal, four daughters, a son-in-law and now a daughter-in-law. Our family was full of love and laughter and we continued to keep our focus on the goal of having an honest relationship as a family.
The next wave caught me totally by surprise. The marriage my daughter fought so hard for, she now wanted to walk away from…divorce. This wave was the most difficult for me to come up from which shocked me since there was a time I didn’t want any of it. I felt betrayed and angry and my struggle to come up took so very long. In the end I swam up because I knew I have had grace poured over my life when I didn’t deserve it and I needed to reflect that grace as well. This road is bumpy, we hit potholes pretty often because we don’t see them and our new normal is still in the adjustment stage. Yet, we continue to keep our eyes on the goal of having an honest relationship as a family.
Recently my daughter decided to move forward in transitioning to a man. When she told me about her decision, I waited for the wave. It hasn’t come yet. There have been some pretty big splashes and lots of salty tears but I haven’t gone under. I am sad because I am losing my daughter, the little girl who put her boots on backwards and whose hair always looked like I combed it with an egg beater, but as I have stepped into the world of families of LGBTQ I realize I am being entrusted by him with his truth and heart. He is staying in the room and not leaving and I am so grateful. So now I will have a son, James, we will continue to keep our eyes on the goal of having an honest relationship as a family. I am blessed.
